Sunset Grill: Home -> Intraveinous Coffee Delivery System

This has weird origins.

Back in August 1995, I went to work for a veterinary lab in Irvine, CA.  During my time there, I had found sitting in the dumpster bin a blood collection bag that had not been used.  At the time, I was considering attempting to get my hands on such a device anyway - it was to fill it with coffee and use it as a prop.

So I did just that with this package.

DISCLAIMER: This page describes the manufacture of a *prop*, AND IS NOT TO BE CONSTRUED AS INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO INJECT COFFEE INTO YOUR BLOODSTREAM!  ACTUALLY DOING THAT CAN KILL YOU!  Also, I don't advocate actually *stealing* the blood bag, and using one that has been used is extremely hazardous.  If you can get the bag by dumpster diving, great - but you might wind up having to purchase it.  (They tend to run about $60, and you may have to get a connection.)  No, I don't sell them.

And having absolved myself of any responsibility for any deaths, here's how to make your very own IVCDS using an old unused donated blood collection pack.

What you need

One single-bag blood collection pack

One inverse heat sink (a soldering iron, a forceps heated over a bunsen burner, an electric stove).  A curling iron should work great for this.

A sharp object to cut with

One pint of coffee (that's 16 ounces), cooled

A sink

A locking forceps from Radio Shack

One sticker from Starbucks with your favorite coffee on it (preferably their JAVA sticker)

What to do

1) Using a sharp cutting object, cut off the needle from the collection tube.  Keep this to dispose of later.

2) Inside of this bag there is a clear liquid - it is a citrate-phosphate-dextrose (CPD) anticoagulant solution, and is harmless.  Drain it into the sink.

3) Hold onto the tube and drop the now drained pack onto the floor.  Try to avoid getting too much air into the bag - to prevent this, clamp the tube (not too tightly!) with the locking forceps.

4) Insert the business end of the tube into the coffee.  Get it down to the bottom of the container.  Unclamp.

5) Allow the coffee to drain into the bag.  If it needs an assist, squeeze the tube at the top and run your still gently squeezing fingers down the tube.  Use some lotion to lubricate if necessary.  (You will need another pair of hands if you have to do this.)  This part will take a few minutes and some patience.

6) When the coffee is in the bag, and the bag is full, clamp the tube shut with the forceps, leaving about one inch at the end

7) Using an inverse heat sink of your choice, carefully seal the end of the tube closed.  Make sure there are no leaks at the end - it may take more than one attempt, and you'll probably have to get the excess fluid out of the end of the tube before sealing it.  Don't trim off the excess unless you're sure it's not going to leak.

How to use your IVCDS

Tape the tube to your arm using white medical tape

Tuck the tube into your shirt sleeve

Hang the tube in your earlobe, as to make it look like it's in your ear (No, don't actually stick it *in* your ear....)